Hi, my name is Lucy and I am not doing so well today. The love of my life, Julia, has been fighting cancer for four years now and she has just decided enough is enough. She wantsto stop all the treatments and get ready to die. I am trying so hard to be supportive but I don’t know how I am going to get through this. I know it sounds selfish but I feel like she’s made the biggest decision of our lives without me. It’s so confusing. I don’t want to feel angry but I do and that can’t be right. I just want more time but I guess if I were in her place, I wouldn’t know what to do at all. She is so brave. I miss her already.
Julia and I met about 25 years ago, when I moved to La Plata and happened to rent the house next door to her. By the time my lease came up the next year we were in love and I moved in with her rather than take out another lease on the house. I can’t believe it’s been 25 years. Sometimes I can’t help but stare at her face when she’s nodded off for a nap. I love to see her rest because I know that if she’s able to sleep it means she’s not suffering as bad. Oh my heart hurts, it hurts so much. 25 years is not enough. And it went too fast. I just don’t know how I can handle these idle moments when she’s resting for good.
Julia has a son Neil and he was just heading off to college when we met. I love Neil but I don’t think of him as my son, he is Julia’s son and I have tried really hard over the years to find the right place for me in Neil’s life. Just not sure that I’ve done enough for him to accept me. I think we will really need each other in the next months and especially when Julia has left us. To be honest, I know I’ll need him but I’m afraid he won’t want anything to do with me. At that point, I would feel like I’ve lost both of them. I’ll be a mess.
Julia is the strong one. She has always looked after me. She keeps me motivated. She always has ideas for travel and things we can do to get out of the house. If it wasn’t for her I would probably just sit at home. After she’s gone, I have the worst fear that sitting at home will be my new destination. I have always been a bit nervous about meeting new people or doing new things. Julia has always been the one nudging me to get out there and do things. My knees are painful but she knows I tend to use that as a bit of an excuse if I am feeling a bit low and don’t want to go out, she knows me so well. And now, as you might imagine, my knees hurt worse than ever and I just want to hide.
Julia, I just can’t imagine being without you.